Its always awkward starting a blog post when you know many family and friends are reading this. Having contemplated long and hard about wether or not to start fresh- anonymous and in writing terms; free, I decided not to. I had once created this platform as a form of an escape- despite having great darkness in my life, finally at rock bottom (I hope this is) I can only pick myself back up. Having been 'popped' out of my sparkling crystal bubble a few years ago, I've been hit with reality as fast as a bullet train. I'm turing 21 soon and I hope by then, I can once become the Kelly I used to be. I've been pitying myself for too long- and its time to face my problems head on and embark on this spiritual journey (as cheesy as it sounds) in order to become a better me.
Having been bed bound for pretty much the whole year, avoiding calls, avoiding texts, avoiding my friends, family.. people, and although I very much enjoyed sleeping, watching endless amounts of television shows, eating pretty much anything which is processed, full of sugar, and fat, grease, oil... you name it.. i had it, and no matter how pretty my bed looked decorated in multicoloured confetti sprinkles which i neglected to polish off with my sickly sweet cupcakes following a nice long binge... its time to stop.
I've taken a few notes to myself... you may interpret this as you may like-
1. depression requires medication (not lets hide them in a box and pretend your brain will mend itself)
2. if you're prescribed Xanax say thank you, praise the Lord... and take them.. take ALOT of it: feeling like you don't give a fuck (pardon my french) is as euphoric as a concoction of cough syrup and drugs (not that i've done either).. perhaps I should try. (just kidding mom.. dad.. aunties)!
3. anxiety is not fun (holla the xanax!!!)
4. binge eating will make you fat
5. binge eating will make you REALLY fat
6. avoiding people is harder than you think... you all should share excuses to see how many times ive recycled them depending on the situation and people. OOpss... dont take it personally I really do like you.. but I honestly have ZERO ENERGY to give a shit about you right now.
7. stop being so angry. What has happened has happened and theres nothing you can do to change it, all you're doing is taking it out on yourself... you're not hurting anyone else but yourself.
8. LET IT GO.. LET IT GO... (queue Olaf, Anna and Elsa... snowflakes the whole shebang)
9. shavers= for shaving... nothing else
10. toothbrush= for teeth... nothing else
11. antidepressants either knock you out cold during family meals... or make you eat like you've been starved for 10 years.
12. hygiene kel..hygiene.. shave your legs for fucks sakes.. i know people say they don't mind, but seriously, what kind of biodiversity are you trying to cultivate in that forest you're growing on your legs??
13. not eating due to low apetite= cold... very cold, anemia, PMS and hospital trips
14. If youre gluten, wheat, lactose intorant it means God is telling you to STOP EATING THAT SHIT
15. let future kelly deal with it= its never going to be done
16. no matter how much sleep you get... you're not getting any more beautiful.
17. you can literally run out of shows to watch on netflix
(... this rant can continue for pages so i'll stop ranting now)
18. I forgive you K for leaving me... it felt like the minute you could escape you left... and with all the shit you left behind.. I was too. I've never really had the heart to tell you how badly it hurt when you were never there for me when I needed you most.. I found comfort in mom and dads closet... where I would imagine what life would be like if I ran away before you could... so I wouldn't have been the one stuck at home.. the curious one who dug for the truth and the one who bore the burden of everything because I wanted you to be happy... I wanted you to be you and the last thing I wanted was you to come back to save me from the darkness because at least one of us is deserving of happiness.
19. I forgive you for what you put me through that one year because you hit your rock bottom... it was my duty to help you out of your darkness.. I did... and I forgive you for not being around to help me after. I am so thankful for the great memories and the support you've given me at times and I cannot imagine what life would be like if I had not changed your wallpaper to my flaring nostrils. (y)
20. I forgive you for leaving. Im sorry that your long term plan didnt work out the way you wanted it to... the situation is out of my hands.. and i'm so so so happy for the happiness you brought me- the escape you gave me when I needed it most. I understand. #ballersofgoodgestreet :)
21. I forgive you "both" for the shit you both have been putting me through although I understand we all have feelings.. what ever happens now happens and Im in no place to try and fight and fix.. because I need to fix myself first.
.... and finally..
22. I forgive you MM. I forgave you the first time, when I found out... I forgave you when you were so fucking shady with your mobile.. erasing phone conversations... changing your password so often that even you yourself forgot it. You were being shady as fuck and only people who have dirt on their hands are paranoid. Im not comparing you to a fascist.. but YOU HAVE SUCKED THE FUN OUT OF KELLY.
I now forgive you for the contents of that stupid USB stick.. but just because I forgive you does not mean im okay with you. I will come back home when I'm comfortable with it.